Most of the times at church, I journal about the service. It really does look like I’m not paying attention but I’m all ears; until something in the sermon catches my attention and I’m off on a writing tangent.
But tonight was different then most nights.
I sat down, preparing to listen to a sermon from my pastor about Acts 8 but my heart nor my mind was in it. My week had been long, hard, and difficult. My mind was scattered but I continued to listen. And that, was what the sermon was about.
Listening.
It’s something I had given up on doing with God. Since college started, I had done a back slide again. I started up old, bad habits but I stopped. I got a new best friend who I have started completely clinging to. She’s going through this same exactly “listening to God” situation.
And tonight I listened and tonight I heard.
I felt him, I felt his arms around me. Holding me close. He probably had been doing this the whole time and I was just now feeling it. Through the chaos of my mind God spoke, softly and lovingly.
He told me that seeing my heart break, broke his more than anyone else. He told me that he loved me more than anyone else, that I could trust him. I bawled my eyes out with happiness and joy and confusion. For the first time, I felt that God was talking to me. God was talking right to my breaking heart.
God was giving me hope that there was someone there all along; him. And he’d be there to give me someone to spend my life with, to give me kids, to help me through it all.
I have searched for love through relationships and I’m finally at the point of succumbing to God’s will, letting myself learn that I don’t need to rely on anyone but God, he is the love I need.
For the first time tonight, I feel some what content with being alone.
It’s going to be a process, full of more heartache I’m sure. But I won’t worry. I have God. Who gave me a new best friend and a love that I can always lean on.
-K