iamkelsie

In the past year I have realized a few things. Well, actually many things but I’m only going to touch on one of them right now. This year has taught me to love slowly, to cry deeply, to hold the ones who truly care about you close, and to attack…but only if it’s from the heart.

That phrase came to me tonight in a conversation with a previous boyfriend of mine. He was the different one, if you will. He was quiet, shy, reserved; and if you know me, that makes him and I very opposite. However, I contacted him again because every time when life has been rough, he’s been there. This time I had contacted him for a different reason.

To apologize.

Now if you’re reading this and you know me personally, you’re probably confused. I don’t apologize easily when it comes to difficult situations. Unless I figured out that I’m wrong before the other person…I usually don’t apologize. It’s a huge character flaw, I know but we play with the hand we’re dealt.

In this conversation I had with this particular former boyfriend, he told me that all the cruel, harsh, judgmental things I had said about him were things he never took to heart. He of course, asked if I knew why and of course, I had no idea. And he simply answered this.

“You attack with the hearts, Kelsie. You attack a person because you know what they are capable of and what they are doing to themselves. You live with a pain inside of you that a lot of people see because certain people pull it out of you and you use all the energy and direct it out. I’m a better person because you attacked me…because you cared about me. I’ll never let you apologize for that.”

To that past boyfriend, I thank you.

I never want to apologize for caring about someone.

I am a huge Christmas person. I am going to be that annoying wife who annoys her husband with her annoying nagging about getting the very large tree up the day after Thanksgiving. I’ll boxes and boxes of ornaments (no garland though, never liked it) and only white lights. I’d go even as far as to say that we might have Christmas tree themes.

What I am trying to say is that, our lack of a large tree this year is upsetting me.

It’s nice though because mom decorates it in colored themes. One year it will be red and white, another year blue and silver, the year after that gold and red. Every once in a while it’ll be a family affair with eggnog and Christmas tunes.

But this year…this year was hectic. With my Daddy (yes, Daddy) in the hospital this year the tree was small, mom did it herself while I was out. I’m just afraid that Christmas has lost its magic, it’s wonder…

I never want it to lose it’s magic. I want a lot of kids who will inevitably have children themselves…I just want Christmas and the time around it to be very joyful and hopeful and something to look forward to.

This year, being 18 years old, it’s my last year to get gifts from all my relatives and not get put in the hat to get a gift for someone else. (Which, yes, I am dreading.) And this year, every relative has told me that all I am getting is money and I’m not too upset about it.

I have a choice to make with the money though…Either a tattoo of something meaningful or I can save the money and take a very special trip in March after the birthday money rolls in. I suppose it’ll just be how it pans out but, personally, going up north for a week or two sounds much better than some silly tattoo…

-Kels

There are a few emotions that I will rare admit I am in the state of.

The biggest one?

Being upset.

I am upset.

-Kels

It’s usually a telltale sign of an unhealthy relationship when you have to convince yourself day in and day out that they are right for you. It’s usually a fact that all unhealthy relationships either need to be fixed or end. I say usually because usually I am one of those 2% of people who don’t follow the norm.

But in this situation it’s not the case.

I am the average teenage girl with an average teenage heart that has been broken. But, unlike most girls I did not grovel my way back to him. In my own way I pouted and in my own way I dealt with it but through all of this I have found something out about myself that I did not know before.

I always find it difficult to believe that someone is a bad person. Especially someone that I used to think so highly of. And especially someone who I love(d). (As you can see, that going through it process is still in effect.) Well today, whilst watching one of my favorite movies called The Holiday, I found myself really connecting with one of the lead roles, Iris. She said this when a friend was distraught about why he went back to his girlfriend who cheated on him.

“Because you’re hoping you’re wrong. And every time she does something that tells you she’s no good, you ignore it. And every time she comes through and surprises you, she wins you over, and you lose that argument with yourself, that she’s not for you.”

I have thought about that quote all day and I have realized that she is completely correct. No matter how many times people hurt me I somehow convince myself with the smallest actions they do that we are ‘meant’ for each other when that isn’t the case at all. Most likely they are poison for my brain, my heart, and my life.

And, I’m just looking forward to caring about how the rest of my day pans out because right now, in this moment; I am completely and totally apathetic towards it all. I couldn’t care less if it’s an emotionless relationship, it’s a relationship and I just long to trust again.

I’m ready to get to that place where I want to move on. I’m ready to get to the place where I can just be happy and content with someone and not think about their motives. I’m ready to trust. I’m ready for this love thing not to be so difficult.

I guess you’re never too young to learn something about yourself though.

-Kels

It’s one of the worst emotions and feelings you can get from people isn’t it? It’s that feeling you get when you realize that you’ve really messed up again and you’re afraid of people being mad at you. But you know what you’re really more afraid of.

Whether it be parents, friends, boyfriends, girlfriends, grandparents, pastors.

Disappointment haunts us, doesn’t it? I can honestly say I’d rather my parents yell at me and  ground me than take nothing away and just simply say they are disappointed.

And I had never really gotten this reaction from a friend until today when I mentioned some things that I had been thinking aboutand there was no text message back for about 3 hours and finally, all I get back is this;

“I’m not going to say I’m mad at you, because I’m not. I’m just going to say…that really disappoints me. Do you want to talk about it?”

And my somewhat good mood for the day, shattered. I had figured the person would be mad at me, tell me I was being ridiculous, not text for three days and finally talk to me again. But of course not.

They hit me right where it hurt and eve n wanted to talk me through it?!

And, most people would say that it doesn’t matter what those people think. But I think the people who don’t react with hate and mean words are the ones that I think more about. It’s the people in my life and simply say, “Yes, you screwed up. Now lets fix this and move on.”

I would much rather be disappointed, than a disappointment.

-Kels

My brain has been so clumsy lately that it’s almost hard to put into words. I can feel God pulling me in a direction but it’s like the lights are off, I’m upside down, and have 8 people screaming my name. It’s just not clear yet and I’m not sure it’s supposed to be. I’ve always been a ‘fix it’ sort of person so I have an eerie feeling God is trying to show me his moves on what he can do in my life if I just rely on him. (Easier said then done.)

But with a clumsy mind, comes a clumsy heart as his evil sidekick. And I find myself back at the God’s feet every Sunday saying the same things and hearing the same response. And the week drags on and I’m back again into the same routine and that I know will never change. Then Sunday comes and I’m back down on my knees; praying to God to give me strength that I know will fail and wisdom that I know I won’t listen to.

I’m really going to try this week. I’m going to try to turn down every advance, turn to other cheek to every comment. I’m going to throw myself into the Word and just try to ignore the outside world. I’m going to try and realize that there is more to life than giving up halfway through the week and falling back into it.

And, I know this sounds confusing to some. Some of you have no idea what I’m talking about and some of you that know all too well.  So I’m sorry for the confusing post. But then again, I’m not. Because at least you are getting a peek into my chaotic head that really, honestly…makes no sense to even the person who has it.

-Kelsie

For every person I think there is a different song or genre or band or singer that puts them at ease. There is a song for those moments when everything seems to be falling apart and you just want someone to be there. And it’s for those moments when no one is there.

I have a few of these songs set for specific people, times, moods, and circumstances.

If it’s a spiritual problem (though I do take all of my problems and needs to God first) I usually go with anything by Jesus Culture.  I Exalt Thee and How He Loves are two of my favorites. The message behind the songs are what comfort me more than anything.

There is one band out there the comforts me in all my times of need.

Copeland.

Every song that band made can be played over and over again and I don’t think I’d get sick of them. My favorite? Coffee. It’s one of the many songs that remind me of people. But this song is the only one that reminds me of two individuals.

It’s  a magical and beautiful thing, music. It’s something I hold very dearly and closely. I listen to a lot of it in every mood so if you need a song, whether to cheer you up, make you think about life, make you think about a boy, or allow you to be angry; I can probably find something in my collection.

Also, be sure to message me or comment with your favorite song for certain moods or just your favorite songs. I for one would sure love to “hear” all about them. (That was a pun, wasn’t it nice?)

Fin. Kels.

P.S. If you were wondering I have 3 favorite songs.

1. Nothing’s Bigger Than Love & 2. In A Lonely Place & 3. Light A Way ; These two songs really mean something to me. Check them out.

I miss the way I wasn’t effected by all this chaos

Rather, I miss the way I didn’t show it.

I miss the way I could lie to you all.

And you didn’t even know it.

I wish that I could take it all back; all the power I gave you.

I wish I could take most of it back; all the love I showed you

I wish I could.

All this change being thrown at my world is just too much.

I want to take it all back; every word I used against you

I want to take some of it back; every song I sang for you

All of this is just too much.

Old me would have known how to deal with it all

I wish I could take back the promises I made

Just so I wouldn’t have to see that look of disappointment

Every time I mess up

Every time I fail

That silent bit of judgment you send my direction

It hurts, but old me would have held fast

Stared you in the face

And told you that I didn’t love you.

I wish I was still good at lying.

I wish I was old me.

When I was younger I used to be obsessed with animals. I wanted a puppy so bad for the longest time and finally, after a long day of first grade, my mom surprised me with one. My family named her Jasmine and she had been our (my) baby ever since.

The cool thing about my Jasmine was, since I got her in first grade, we’ve really grown up together. This December she’ll be 13 and as much of a puppy as the first day I saw her.

I’ve grown up with this dog. I’ve loved this dog. This dog has been there for me. I don’t often thank God for random things. But every time I see those dark brown eyes and that smiling puppy mouth every single time I come home. I just think to myself about how lucky I am to have a puppy like Jasmine.