iamkelsie

When I was younger I used to be obsessed with animals. I wanted a puppy so bad for the longest time and finally, after a long day of first grade, my mom surprised me with one. My family named her Jasmine and she had been our (my) baby ever since.

The cool thing about my Jasmine was, since I got her in first grade, we’ve really grown up together. This December she’ll be 13 and as much of a puppy as the first day I saw her.

I’ve grown up with this dog. I’ve loved this dog. This dog has been there for me. I don’t often thank God for random things. But every time I see those dark brown eyes and that smiling puppy mouth every single time I come home. I just think to myself about how lucky I am to have a puppy like Jasmine. 

Most of the times at church, I journal about the service. It really does look like I’m not paying attention but I’m all ears; until something in the sermon catches my attention and I’m off on a writing tangent.

But tonight was different then most nights.

I sat down, preparing to listen to a sermon from my pastor about Acts 8 but my heart nor my mind was in it. My week had been long, hard, and difficult. My mind was scattered but I continued to listen. And that, was what the sermon was about.

Listening.

It’s something I had given up on doing with God. Since college started, I had done a back slide again. I started up old, bad habits but I stopped. I got a new best friend who I have started completely clinging to. She’s going through this same exactly “listening to God” situation.

And tonight I listened and tonight I heard.

I felt him, I felt his arms around me. Holding me close. He probably had been doing this the whole time and I was just now feeling it. Through the chaos of my mind God spoke, softly and lovingly.

He told me that seeing my heart break, broke his more than anyone else. He told me that he loved me more than anyone else, that I could trust him. I bawled my eyes out with happiness and joy and confusion. For the first time, I felt that God was talking to me. God was talking right to my breaking heart.

God was giving me hope that there was someone there all along; him. And he’d be there to give me someone to spend my life with, to give me kids, to help me through it all.

I have searched for love through relationships and I’m finally at the point of succumbing to God’s will, letting myself learn that I don’t need to rely on anyone but God, he is the love I need.

For the first time tonight, I feel some what content with being alone.

It’s going to be a process, full of more heartache I’m sure. But I won’t worry. I have God. Who gave me a new best friend and a love that I can always lean on.

-K

From August 3rd through the 17th I lived the good life. Sweet, sweet southern California. San Clemente, California to be exact. I went with my worship pastor, whose family I am very close to and another couple who go to our church as well. The trip was fantastic, just what I needed. We had a few mishaps with illness and such but we pushed through.

Like I said, that trip was…fantastic. But there was one evening that will stay with me for a while. I get butterflies thinking about it. I smile every time anyone asks me the highlight of my trip.

It was the night I saw my first beach sunset.

My friend Sierra (in her blue-haired glory to the left) is one of the most amazing people I have known to this date. She’s inspired me to be strong and awesome and still be me at the same time. I consider her a best friend…So one day we  spent the day together before her father and her went on a swim that was going to take about an hour. Well, finally I decided to wait so we could eat after on the pier.

So they went out to swim and I walked up and down the beach, barefoot and camera in hand, taking pictures of random things and letting the waves crash against my feet. 

Finally 7:30 rolled around and I ended up under the pier and the sight I saw nearly pushed me to tears. Suddenly all the anxiety I had brought with me from home vanished. There were no thoughts of loneliness or college or of love. There was only me and I was fine with that.

I stared at the sun, with the surfers in it’s shadow, and me at it’s very edge.

Words cannot describe how I felt at that moment. It was one of my rare pure bliss moments where I forgot about all my problems and simply smiled happily at it, taking a sigh of relief and thanking God for creating something so amazing.

I wish I could live that moment everyday before I leave my house. So that when something bad happens I can remember that God still creates beautiful California sunsets. 

Love,

Kelsie

It is. No matter who you are, what has happened to you, or where you are going. It doesn’t judge against state of mind, state of happiness, or state of employment. It always sneaks up on us.

And “it” are those moments where you look around you and realize that things…could be a lot worse. And no, this isn’t a “there are starving kids in China and you are complaining” talk. It’s an honest talk about how life could be a lot more difficult.

I like for things to be simple. Most of the times I complicate them myself but more often times I make them simple faster than most people. I eliminate things from my life without a second thought if I think it is holding me back. I don’t like for things to be complicated. Complication and confusion are my biggest sources of anxiety.

So tonight, I looked around me as I sat at a second-family’s house. And as I looked around I realized that everything seemed to be…simple. I’m going on vacation, which will be some great “getting away from it all” time. I have a great source of people that God has given me. And, I have a lot of good people that seem to stick around through it all.

I have so much to be thankful for. And, most people hate these talks so I don’t plan on getting the messages I usually get but, please, think about it. Think about those people that still just want to make you smile, even though you’ve hurt them. Think about those people that still love you, even though you don’t think you deserve it. Think about those people that God has given you as a gift.

Just think about it.

-Kelsie 

The is an excerpt out of a devotionals book I got from my youth pastor for graduation. At first, I will admit, I sort of forced myself to do it. Now, it’s one of the best parts of my day. The other day, this page really impacted me.

I once saw a man draw some black dots on a piece of paper. Several of us looked at it yet saw nothing but an irregular arrangement of dots. Then he also drew a few lines, put in a few rests, and added a treble clef at the beginning. Suddenly we realized the dots were musical notes, and as we began to sound them out, we were singing,

“Praise God from whom all blessings flow, Praise him all creatures here below.”

Each of us has many black dots or spots in out life, and we cannot understand why they are there or why God permitted them. But when we allow Him into our life to adjust the dots in the proper way, to draw the lines He desires, and to put rests at the proper places to separate us from certain things, then from the black dots and spots He will compose a glorious harmony.

This entire paragraph really inspired me. I try to think of my life now, as just a progression, leading up to this beautiful, triumphant crescendo. If my life was a marching band show, I would be in the middle of the 2nd part, which will lead into the beautiful harmonies of the 3rd, and finally into the awe-inspiring 4th.

Or at least I hope it does.

-K 

I have been praying like crazy lately. The littlest worry that flies into my head and I have made it a conscious effort to take it right to the Lord and not try to fix it on my own. But lately, my prayers have been taking a bit of a curve ball from their usual.

I want, need, hope, wish for, and plead for God to change my heart. I don’t know what it’s going to take or how far it’s going to take me. But my eyes need to be set on God and his purpose and his will. Not the mess of a life that I have around me.

The only thing I know about this change is that it’s going to take time.

And it’s going to take dangerous moments.

And it’s going to take dangerous prayers.

And it’s going to take pain.

Please, if a thought of me ever passes through your head. Pray for me to live a changed life.

-K

Ever since I was a freshman in high school I have went from one boyfriend to the next. I know this sounds arrogant but I’ve never really been alone. For the past 2 months I have been shoved out of a few peoples lives by them and it’s been a huge wake up call.

For every boyfriend I have had count that as a broken heart personally shattered by yours truly. Every boyfriend I have had, I have broken up with. With little to no tears. But recently tables are flipped and I have had this question thrown at me by at least ten different people.

How did I deal with hurting so many people?

If you asked me that six months ago I probably would have said it was easy for me because I didn’t mean that much to them in the first place. And, to some extent that is probably true. Obviously no guy that I have been with so far is who I’m meant to marry. However, I know I meant something to them. And even if they say that I meant nothing then they meant something to me.

But now, with my life somewhat evening out and my soul getting back to the place where I have wanted it to be for the longest time…I don’t know how to answer that.

My life has always been this dramatic soap opera from one boy to the next and now that there is no boy and no distraction from the pain that I caused every one of them…I don’t know how I could look at any of them in the face.

Then last night I had a realization.

Sometimes what is meant to happen, happens the hard way.

My whole life I have learned lessons the hard way. Maybe love is one of those lessons I will always learn different from everyone else. Lets just hope I find someone who learns it the same way.

-K

Most people say that your high school years, are your best years. They say that that’s when you’re figuring out who you are and what you’re going to become. Well, I must be a late bloomer…because I’m just picking up the pieces of myself.

For the first time I have no secrets. No little parts of my life that I’m hiding from someone. I’m not looking over my shoulder wondering if I’m going to see someone I don’t want to.

High school was good for a while. However, I was in marching band. And, in marching band, you become one big dating family. If you have a boyfriend outside of marching band during the season, we would place bets on you to see how long it lasted. So, of course, where there are relationships, there is drama.

And where there was drama, there was Kelsie.

I will it admit it folks, I was a drama machine. If I didn’t like it (whether it be my business or not) I would tell you. If my parents said no, I did it anyways. If you said right, I went left.

But I was good at it. I had fantastic arguments against people. My dad often tells me I should be a lawyer.

And this summer…It’s as if I am, for the first time, shining through.

And folks, I actually like myself.

Instead of “Hello, I’m Kelsie Wallace and most likely I am annoyed with you.” It has become “Hello, I’m Kelsie Wallace, you may not have felt accepted before, but I hope you feel it now, because I love you.”

Love is a constant theme in my life. Love for God and his people.

And then God asked me. “Why, do you choose to love?” This may seem vague to you but it spoke volumes to me tonight at church. It spoke right to me. Right into my heart. I choose to love, because God chose to love me. He chose to love someone who has messed up more times than I care to tell you.

And people tell me that my smile is beautiful now and that they like to see my happy face. For the first time, in probably a year, I’m smiling. Wholeheartedly, smiling. Even at people in my life who are hurting me or I know are going to.  I even smile and accept the people in my life who have the ability to take it all away.

It’s done being negative. It’s time to leave high school behind and start smiling at the future.

-Kelsie.

P.s. And, if you want a song to deal with some heartache I recommend Jar of Hearts by Christina Perri. It’s a really empowering song. It gave me the strength to say that I was completely okay with a situation I have going on right now and actually mean it. I hope it helps. Oh, and always remember that I love you. And, I mean it.

I often find myself being a negative person. So, everyday I try to find something new to be extremely happy about. And, when life eventually catches up to me around 5 o’clock and the stress starts to pound in my ears. I think of Bette Davis who said : “You will never be happier than you expect. To change your happiness, change your expectation.”

So my changed expectation is to look at everyday with a new found light. However, as I had a heart to heart with someone today I decided that I needed a list. A list of things that I loved.

Love is a big theme for me (if you haven’t noticed). You could be a complete stranger and I could honestly say to you, with complete honesty, that I did in fact love you.

So, my love list:

• God. I often forget that no matter how alone I feel, he will always love me.
• Family. I take them for granted…a lot.
• Friends. They are few and far between, but the one I do have, mean the world. Especially new ones that have had an impact on me lately.
• Best friends. I only have two. But I think I’m getting more. I’m trusting and loving more openly now.
• Ex-boyfriends. Yes, guys, I love you too. Not for only making me smile at some point in my life, but for teaching me (for a short while) that it’s okay to be myself.
• Church. I live my week for my Sunday evenings at my church. Maryland Community is my second home.
• Second-families. I used to be a huge loner, I wouldn’t go out of the house much. Now, I’m going to California with a “second-family” and they, are in fact a huge deal.
• My dog. Even when people are mad at me, my dog always wags her tail when she sees me. (My cat not so much.)
• Sunsets. I always appreciate beauty. Always.
• People who walk away. You have all taught me that I have to realize that, even if I have seen you everyday for a months on end, I have to make sure I know who I am when I’m alone.
• People who have stayed. Through all those good times and all those crazy times and all those dramatic times, you all have loved me.
• Distant friends. I’m talking about one person in particular. He’s stayed by me for almost a year now. We still talk everyday. He doesn’t know it, but he keeps me from falling apart sometimes.
• Ice cream. My one enemy. And I adore you for all your caloric goodness.
• Listeners. I have few and seldom people I talk to about my problems. For the one of you that are good at just listening and letting me rant, I thank you.
• Talkers. For the ones who do eight other things while I’m trying to talk to you about something really important to me. Thank you for the patience.
• Supporters. I’m not a good supporter. I’m bad at it. I never know what to say or when to say it or how to say it. I lose out on a lot of (what could have been) great relationships because of this flaw. For those of you who still support me through this, you’ve taught me the most.

Je serai toujours l’éloge

,

K.

This summer I have been doing my own thing. I exercise, I clean the house, I go to work. In the evenings I like to do some random stuff with my best friend but that’s about it. However, I have found my new favorite past time.

And, that is sidewalk chalk.

So much can be done with chalk. You can make rough rigid lines or soft smooth curves. It’s magical. Plus, on (rare) nice Indiana days it’s nice to just go outside, clean off yesterdays masterpiece and start with a new one for that day.

I’m not too great at drawing though. Or any artistry for that matter but I do like sitting outside and drawing random things. Even if they aren’t that great.

愛を込めて (Ai o komete)

-k